if i were ramzan kadyrov, i would send my goons to kick in the front door of your decrepit, spider-hole flat. in an instant, your roommates would explode into clouds of red mist, and you would be carried away -- bound, gagged, and blindfolded -- on the broad shoulders of my loyal gunmen.
you would awaken several days later in a run-down field hospital nestled securely in the hunting grounds of one of my palatial estates, staring in mute horror as the implants are sewn into your chest by my private surgeon.
at riflepoint, my men would force you to strap on a leather harness which is attached at the rear to a bejeweled wheelchair upon which i would ride as you ferried me to my favorite pheasant grounds and salmon ponds. at night, i would choke-fuck you from behind, while taunting you with the sight of your own genitals suspended helplessly in a mason jar full of formaldehyde.
when the soviet union collapsed, chechnya, like many of its neighboring republics, launched a bid for independence. the newly formed russian federation responded to their demands with thousands of armored personnel carriers, tanks, and sukhois. amazingly, however, the chechens were able to defeat the federal forces -- thanks in no small part to ramzan's father, akhmad, who was a figurehead of the resistance, and later became its grand mufti. ramzan himself, despite being only sixteen at the time, led his own private militia during the war and earned a reputation as a talented and impetuous fighter.
cut to 1999: chechnya, a lawless, economically devastated pariah state in which the principal source of income is kidnapping and whose "central government" is wholly comprised of bandits, native islamists, and foreign volunteers, invades nearby dagestan, hoping to pry it from russia's grip. before the dust settles, a wave of terrorist bombings rip through moscow and volgodonsk, killing hundreds. the finger is pointed at the caucasus mountains, and although many still believe that these attacks were coordinated by the kremlin itself, this has never been proven, and the second chechen war begins.
unfortunately for the victors of the first war of independence, this time the russians would not be led by an internally feuding pyramid of ex-soviet strongmen whose apex stone was an incompetent, steppe-dancing lush by the name of the boris yeltsin, but by vladimir putin, a quiet, ruthlessly efficient spook who had spent the better part of the nineties piano-wiring his way to the top of the food chain.
the kadyrov clan wisely chooses to switch sides, and with their help, moscow forcibly reabsorbs her wayward caucasian stepchildren. ahkmad kadyrov becomes president, but an assassin ends his reign in 2004. ramzan, not yet thirty (the age required to be president) is kept on ice, until finally ascending the throne in 2007.
now here's the surprising thing: despite his reputation as a ruthless, baby-faced murderer and turncoat, the younger kadyrov actually manages to turn the country around. the capital city, grozny, which used to look like a cross between stalingrad and mogadishu, is rebuilt from the ground up, and life for the average person improves tenfold -- materially, at least.
so, why would i rather be ramzan kadyrov than, say, the president of russia, or the united states, or some boy-hungry idol like the pope? simple: as unquestioned ruler of a backward client state, he gets to do whatever he wants. unlike, say, vladimir putin, who must check his urges from time to time to maintain an air of respectibility, razman kadyrov lives like a modern-day warlord, because that's exactly what he is.
this is his "presidential convoy":
stretch hummers, lamborghinis, bentleys, mercs, some of which are among the rarest cars in the world. no blacked-out cadillac flanked by bland-as-tap-water squad cars here. kadyrov rolls deep. he lives in a gilded palace, has a harem that would make the wealthiest sheik turn red with envy, and controls a private army of ski-masked goons who follow his every command without question.
that's why life in his shoes would be so great: because it would be fun. here's an example:
When his sister was detained by the Dagestan police in January 2005, Ramzan and some 150 armed men drove to the Khasavyurt City Police (GOVD) building. According to the city mayor, Kadyrov's men surrounded the GOVD, forcing its duty officers against the wall and assaulted them, after which they left the building with Zulai Kadyrova, "victoriously shooting in the air."
imagine a bureaucrat like putin, or some marionette like kim jong-il ever doing that. kadyrov's whole existence is every teenage boy's wet dream. he has what every real man could ever, and should ever, want from life: women, guns, goons, palaces, adulation, and most importantly of all, the masculine pride to thunder down the street with a kalashnikov in his hand and settle things like a man.
When responding to a question on how he is going to avenge the murder of his father, Ramzan said:
I've already killed him, whom I ought to kill. And those, who stay behind him, I will be killing them, to the very last of them, until I am myself killed or jailed. I will be killing [them] for as long as I live... Putin is gorgeous. He thinks more about Chechnya than about any other republic [of Russian Federation]. When my father was murdered, he [Putin] came and went to the cemetery in person. Putin has stopped the war. Putin should be made president for life. Strong rule is needed. Democracy is all but an American fabrication... Russians never obey their laws. Everyone was stealing, and only Khodorkovsky is in jail.
i mean sure that's probably pretty bad and all i can't really say since i don't know the full story but at least he's good at what he does. the last person to stalk me was ben_banned, and that dude must have like a fifteen-pound waterhead or something, because he's so fucking dumb he once spammed the board with what he thought was my address, only to find out later that it belonged to a plant nursery on the wrong side of the state.
i didn't mind being stalked by arse, tbh. at least i was dealing with someone who could bring down a little fire and keep things entertaining. who do i get to butt heads with now? dizzy, incomprehensible halfwits like das_but and butthurt old virgins. :/